Look at this cute house. Doesn’t it look good from the outside? It appears to be well put together and stable. Everything about this house seems like a good fit for you; it’s not too far away, not too old, has most of the features you like, seems cute and charming, bright and cheery, might have a little room for growth, so overall might be a good one to keep. Right? Well, it appears that way until you recognize that it was just a false front to lure you into what lies behind those pretty exterior walls. It happens, more often than not, the facade is simply to lure you in.
Have you ever had this happen to you? You see something that looks amazing, but turns out to be quite the opposite when you get a little closer. Relationships can be like this as well. What you see isn’t always what you get. Sometimes you meet someone and they appear to be one way, but as you get to know them , they aren’t what they seem. Whether it is something small or big in the beginning, the end result is usually mass wreckage and devastation for the person that was lured in. Here is a great example of this. Read the story of Christy and Allie.
Christy and Allie
Christy and Allie met online and after several chatting sessions, Christy and Allie decide to meet. They decide to meet at a bar one night for a drink and get to know each other better. Christy arrives first and grabs a table. She is watching toward the entrance when she notices Allie. Allie is taller than she had thought (which she liked) and Christy is immediately attracted to her. She gets up from the table and walks over to greet her with a hug and a hello. They walk back to the table and order a drink. Conversation runs smooth, with smiles, laughs, and eye gazing. They enjoy their drink and reminiscing of past texting conversations they had over the last couple weeks. After a while of talking they decide they are hungry and decide to head to another place where they could grab a bite to eat. They decide to ride together (parking can be bad). Allie and Christy are now holding hands and Allie opens the door for Christy to get into the vehicle. Christy has always loved that gesture, so she smiles to herself before Allie gets in. They drive down the street and get out to walk to the next place, again holding hands the whole way, and upon entering Allie buys drinks and some food while Christy grabs a table. They sit at the table and again have a great conversation. As the evening moves on, Christy starts to move a little closer to Allie, Allie doesn’t mind this at all, she now has the confirmation of Christy’s interest. After more laughs and flirting they notice the time and decide that although they are having a great time they should probably be heading home. Allie and Christy hold hands again to walk to Allie’s vehicle. They stop to say goodbye and Christy says, “It was really nice getting together”… and just then Allie grabs Christy’s face gently and begins kissing her. Christy is speechless…. Literally, cannot breathe speechless, thinking, “Oh wow, what just happened?” Allie pulls away, looks at Christy and says, “wow, we kiss good together” and then pulls her in close again for another longer kiss. Christy can’t stop grinning. They talk about the night and how great it was and about meeting up again soon, both agree, and they say goodbye and head home. Ahh what a wonderful first date of many to come right? This sounds like the perfect little love story doesn’t it? Read on…
The instant connection and progression through the night ending with a goodnight kiss has Christy thinking this may be a really nice connection. Allie was cute, thoughtful, established in her career, had great style, and …. she went in for the kiss, and wow was it nice. Christy gets a text later that night and the next morning. Allie is sweet and continues texting throughout the day and evening, ending in a late night phone call that had butterflies in tornado mode in Christy’s stomach. She hangs up the phone and smiles, thinking to herself, “What if she is the one?”, I know what you are thinking, this is a typical “Lesbian U-Haul Story”, fall in love on the first date, move in on the second, but it wasn’t like that. Everything wasn’t that text book, but it was fitting perfectly and was different. It felt better than anything ever had. It was effortless and fun. This continues throughout the week; texting, talking, and even FaceTiming each night. They even start video messaging each other on Marco Polo multiple times a day. On several occasions Allie says she misses Christy’s kiss. That she misses being with her and can’t wait to see her again. Christy is again on cloud 9 and hangs on Allie’s every word. They make plans for the next weekend and when Allie shows up, she is carrying her duffle bag. She says, “I thought I could stay the night, is that ok with you?” Of course Christy is elated. She is so excited that she gets to spend the entire evening with Allie. Everything is going so well, they spend time out on the deck having drinks, kissing, and talking about future plans. The conversation is intense even talking about how neither can believe how amazing this connection is and they are both excited to see where it goes. While there is no intimacy that evening, Allie talks about how great it would be “soon”, but that she really wants to take it slow ~ she wants this relationship to last, so she wants to ensure nothing interferes in getting to know each other first. The next morning they wake and have coffee together on the couch. Christy has Alexa play some background Country Music (which they both love) while they sit drinking coffee and talking more about each other’s likes and wants. They talk again about holding off on getting “Too” close too soon, and both agree. As the morning wears off, Allie asks to take a shower and in the process decides to be funny and pulls Christy in the shower unexpectedly with all her clothes on. It was cute and fun and again a side of Allie that Christy really likes. Once out of the shower they get ready and go back to sit and talk on the couch for a while longer. Christy, again, is excited to hear all the amazing things they have planned and has really started to like Allie and the prospect of a future with her. Throughout the coming weeks the daily long intense conversations, continue to happen. Allie is now talking about the possibility of living together in 9 months and what city they would live in. The talk of marriage comes up with Allie asking if Christy would change her name to hers in the future? They even talked of travel plans to California for the two of them in months to come. Allie continues to discuss a life with Christy and comes to stay with her more often, even shows up to surprise Christy at the house with kisses and more talk of lifetime plans. Christy has now completely fallen for Allie and starts to tell her friends and family she truly believes Allie is “The One”. Allie loves that Christy talks of a future and in fact encourages it and even sends her a song she wants played at their wedding one day. Christy is in tears when she listens to it. She loves Allie and the plans they are making to be together. Christy decided one night while she was with Allie at Allie’s work to tell her how she feels. It was a 3 hour conversation and while she really wanted to tell Allie how she felt, she struggled getting the words out. She was nervous, and Allie could feel her nerves and says, “It’s ok. If you feel something tell me. It’s ok to tell me, honest”. Christy feels safe with Allie so she tells her she loves her. Allie says, “Really?” with a huge smile on her face and Christy with tears in her eyes, says “yes”. Allie kisses her and hugs her and kisses her some more and says, “That makes me happy” they kiss some more and then Christy, recognizing how late it is says, she has to go, she has a long drive home. She feels better than she has ever felt. She is happier than she has ever been. She is smiling and singing to the radio driving home and then she realizes something…. wait, did Allie say it back? She pauses and smiles…and then says.. Oh well… She will in time.
The next couple months continue somewhat the same, with an occasional and ingnored “red flag” here and there. A couple angry outbursts from Allie, a few tense moments in discussions, but still ongoing conversations and loving feelings exchanged, however, mostly by Christy now. Intimacy eventually sparked after 2 months of spending time together and Christy continues to fall harder and harder for Allie. They decide to start dating exclusively, Christy’s suggestion to which Allie agreed. Sadly, that only lasted about a month, and then EVERYTHING changed. Yes, Everything.
The once amazing and alluring house that you saw in the beginning, well it opened its doors to the inside to reveal the massive wreckage that lays within. That facade that looked and felt so amazing, was no longer there. Christy’s reality, or what was once viewed as her reality, was gone. There was no more intimacy, not even kissing, there was less staying the night, there was no loving exchanges of words, in fact, Allie told Christy she didn’t want to date exclusively anymore. She said she didn’t want to stop spending time together, but didn’t want the stress and accountability of being exclusive, so that security was also stripped from Christy. Christy was in awe. Completely shaken to the ground. She had professed her love to Allie, because Allie made her feel safe and now she felt more destroyed than ever. What was happening? Slowly the life as she dreamt of with Allie was dissolving, and without any true explanation. How could this be? Why? This was completely unlike the person she had been spending time with over the last few months. The Allie that opened doors for her, held her hand driving, brushed those same hands across her back when cooking in the kitchen, and held her face when she kissed her. The Allie that talked of a lifetime together was gone. Lost and confused, Christy was left with so many unanswered questions and Allie had turned completely away from all the plans they had discussed. The texting died down, there were no longer video messages waiting for her and the ones she left for Allie either never got opened or were viewed and never answered. She stopped staying with Christy as often and when she did, there was no cuddling like there once was, just sleeping on separate sides of the bed, with rarely the words goodnight and never a kiss. The stays over eventually stopped altogether and there were no more surprise visits, no more talk of a future, at all. With a broken heart Christy tried talking to Allie, but got nowhere. Allie would become angry and stifle the discussion making Christy left once again with no answers and a lot of heartbreak to have to heal. There was no saving what was once apparently a dream…. a Facade.
The story goes on for a while with Christy continuing to try and get back all those months with Allie when things were so good. She wanted the old Allie back more than anything and was sure she could get her back, but it would just take some time. She continues for months to make things work, continuing to go on trips with Allie, visits to her house, anything….just to spend whatever time she could with Allie. She kept trying to show Allie how great they were together and prayed she would return where they left off and they would live happily ever after. The facade of Allie was the only thing that was real. She was never coming back, because she never really existed. Try grasping hold of that when your heart is in love and who it was in love with is gone. Christy finally realized that she was holding onto an ideal of Allie and that continuing to love this facade of her was actually causing more heartache to Christy than letting it go but letting go was harder than ever. I know, not the ending you wanted or were hoping for, but not every story can have a happy ending.
Facades happen quite often. Some people are naturals at putting on this show. Maybe this story resonated with you or someone you know. If you have experienced this, you know first hand how it goes down. The person comes on strong, with their best foot forward. They tell you everything you want to hear, EVERYTHING. They will often portray to be your knight in shining armor, to rescue you and give you the best life ever. They talk in grandiose terms showcasing what they have (monetary/materialistic items) and what they will give you if you are with them. In this case, Allie said she would let her pick any engagement ring she wanted, the destination beach wedding, and to live in a house overlooking the water. This is just a snapshot of what they will say to win you over. They will swoon you and tell you how amazing you are and how lucky they are to have you. They will do whatever they can to win the chase and have you completely head over heals in love with them and then……….in a matter of time. It is all gone.
When you remove the mask (facade) from the individual who carries this wreckage out, you will most likely find a very damaged individual . One with deep feelings of shame and inadequacy. He or she has spent most their life hiding their true self. Sometimes so completely that all that now exists is that outer shell (facade) a fictional self which may look flawless and attractive, but which is actually nothing more than a hollow shell. This type of person needs a lot of validation from other people to feel some worth, to matter. They are often depressed or suffer from trauma, and yet seldom seek treatment. They often attain “Things” to hide from who they are, so the focus is more on what they have to offer materialistically and less on the true broken self. They often don’t know how to love or really what love means …that too is a facade. They simply use individuals to increase their power. Getting you to love them and do anything for them, secures that power. Once they have it, and they have you where they want you, the facade actually no longer matters. You love them regardless now, you have been groomed to, and getting away is harder than ever, as soon as you try to leave they are already attempting to lure you back. Watch for the warning signs I have mentioned in this blog and learn how to spot a facade. Trust me, it will save your months of searching for something that doesn’t exist and a lot less mental anguish. Thanks for reading and ….