When we were little our parents used to get us to try foods and eat our meals by telling us to take a “no thank you bite”. This was often a difficult thing to do because the reality of that food in front of us probably looked or smelled awful, hence why we weren’t eating it. So there we are, sitting at the table faced with the parental stare and the impending “no thank you bite” that we DON’T want to take. We may shed a couple tears, because our brains have already decided we aren’t going to like it, that it is going to be awful, and that we will more than likely gag (so might as well already bring on the tears). As the fork or spoon closes in for that bite, we tighten our lips, only to have the utensil forced through to take that bite. One of two things happens in that moment. 1). You actually like it (doubtful) or 2). You gag and don’t like it, just like you suspected. This is the “thank you, but no thank you” moment I am going to talk about today. The way we say NO to something that we don’t want, after we have given it a go and we still don’t like it.
In life we will come across several moments where we will be faced with the “No thank you bite” scenario. Whether it be a job opportunity, moving to a new house, meeting new possible friends, a date, a new food at a restaurant, someone selling you something, and the list goes on. For the sake of this blog, I am going to put this “No Thank You Bite” scenario in relationship lingo (of course I am) because this is what I often see, not only myself, but in friends of mine as well. So let’s break it down for others to see and possibly relate to.
Loving Relationship: The Ideal
Loving relationships have a mutual connection, mutual respect, mutual communication, a physical, sexual, emotional component, loyalty, mutual love and adoration, and a shared desire to move in the same direction or at least one that is mutually aligned. When these things are in place love flourishes and continues to grow because both individuals are putting in the time and commitment to move the relationship together. This we will call the ideal situation. What happens when one of the two individuals stops putting forth some or all of these things? What happens when you discuss your needs time and again and they are still not being met? Do you continue to pull the weight of the relationship? How long will you continue to stay in this relationship before you say “Thank you, but no thank you” to the No Thank You Bite? Here are some answers to those questions and what happens if you stay without getting your needs met.
Basic needs are essential for a healthy relationship to grow. There is no negotiating this. So as hard as this is to hear, when the unmet needs become greater than the need to stay it is time to say “No thank you” and walk away. Grab your dignity and worth and leave. Chances are if the person you are with hasn’t provided these things for a while, you have probably already addressed them a few times, and nothing has changed…. It’s time to leave. There is your answer in a nutshell. I am going to elaborate on this further so you can see exactly what happens, in fact, I am going to use myself as an example, read on.
When your partner stops contributing to your basic needs, or maybe they never have, it’s time to take that hard look at what life looks like without those needs as well as what your life looks like with that person that isn’t providing them. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life dealing with the bare minimum, if that? Do you want to sacrifice your happiness for someone that doesn’t even give you your basic needs? Let me speak for you, NO, you don’t. I know it is a hard decision to make, I just made it, but out of the 10 basic needs below, after a year of being with her, I was getting 1 of the basic needs met. ONE! Even if my own ego didn’t get in the way, I left because I couldn’t imagine living another day unhappy. Another day making her happy while sacrificing my own happiness. Another day doing everything I could to ensure she was taken care of with no care given in return. Another day being left on “read” or ghosted altogether in our texting. Another day of saying “I miss you” after not seeing her for a week, for her to ignore it then finally comment that is was “stressful when I sent her things like that” (which was actually the final straw for me). I was tired of making all the effort. I was alone, even when I was with her. I was unhappy, but as long as she got what she needed, that is all that seemed to matter. I was the one fighting for her… she was the one fighting with me. It wasn’t going to get better, in fact it started to get worse. Life was never going to be a give and take, it was going to simply be me giving while she took. I loved her, or perhaps I loved the thought of her, and it is never easy leaving someone you love. However, I did it. I made the choice for me. I made the choice to have a better life and to stop taking those no thank you bites over and over again, hoping my taste buds would change or in fact that she would.. but realizing deep down, after a year, nothing would. I had to change.. so I left. If I can do it… Anyone can.
I am going to throw a little of my Psychology in here, it truly comes down to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a theory of motivation which states that five categories of human needs dictate an individual’s behavior) ~Masterclass.com. We need all of them starting at the bottom (basic needs) and working our way up to feel completely adequate in the relationship. So if we don’t get those basic needs met, what is the point of staying with that person? Ask yourself that…You will never feel completely fulfilled.
Here are 10 basic needs that should be non-negotiables (or the No thank you bites) in a relationship. If you are not getting these things from your partner, your partner does NOT value you in your partnership or lack thereof:
Affection: Are you getting physical touch, sexual intimacy, kind gestures, and loving words?
Acceptance: Does he/she introduce you to friends/family? Include you in special events? Post pictures and things about you on social media? Accept you, all of you, and who you are as a person?
Validation: Do you feel heard and understood by your partner? Do they take the time to listen to you?
Autonomy: Are you maintaining your own hopes and dreams? Or are you fulfilling only theirs?
Security: Do they respect your boundaries? Do you physically and emotionally feel safe with them?
Empathy: Do they show empathy? Do they try to understand when you are struggling? Offer support?
Trust: Do you trust them? Do they trust you? Have they betrayed your trust?
Connection: Do you have a true connection? Can you both see spending your life together?
Space: Are you able to do your own things without ridicule, jealousy, and guilt from the other person?
Priority: Are you a priority or an excuse? Do they text back or ghost? Do they plan ahead with you?
Now I want you take a good look at where you stand in getting these basic needs met from the person you are currently with. It’s time to get real, no excuses for them. Do they meet these basic needs in your relationship? If not, it is probably time to say, “thank you, but no thank you”. Living this way will always leave a part of you empty and resentful. Say goodbye now, work on yourself, get back what you lost and get back “You” so you can find someone better suited to give you all the things you want and need. That is the best outcome possible. That person is out there, trust me, I believe that! You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your basic needs for anyone. The right one will give them without a second thought or an argument. Be patient and stop negotiating away your worth. You are worthy of the best love there is, don’t settle just to have SOMEONE…. Wait and you will have THE RIGHT ONE. It’s always ok to say “No Thank You to the No Thank You bite”. This is your life and your story, go live it.
Good Luck and …